Before we get started, please spare me the OMG DELL FUCKING SUX U SHUD USE *this other obscure PC maker* AS THEY R BETTER. I don't give a shit. Thank you.
On Wednesday, October 25th I called your tech line in order to get a tech out here to check out a customers laptop for me. As the warranty on the machine clearly states that I get "Next Day On-Site Anywhere in the US" service I was fully expecting a tech to show up on Thursday (yesterday). This tech was supposed to call me before showing up to let me know the skinny and that he was on his way.
The nice lady with the middle eastern accent processed everything, gave me a case number AND a dispatch number and assured me that EVERYTHING! would be cool.
Yesterday comes and goes. No call, no show from the Tech. Now...given that we had 4 feet of snow between Wednesday night and 12:00pm on Thursday, I give them the benefit of the doubt and didn't bother calling (also with 4 feet of snow, I had other shit to deal with).
This morning I decide to give Dell another ring-adingding just to clarify when my tech would be showing up as of course my 24 hour service has now become 48 and still no tech.
The conversation went thusly:
Me: I just want a tech...seriously.
DCSR: Dell Customer Service Rep
Me: Hi I was supposed to have a tech here yesterday to fix a clients laptop and the guy never showed or made an attempt to contact me. Can I please get a status on what is going on?
DCSR: Oh yes sir ok might I have case number?
Me: Its 867-5309 (what a great song)
DCSR: oh yes sir ok might I have your dispatch number?
Me: Sure. It's 867-5309 (catchy!)
DCSR: Oh yes sir ok let me check the notes on the file and I shall be right back.
Me: Ok cool.
*insert 16 minutes and 27 seconds of awesome jazz/piano tunes*
DCSR: Oh yes sir ok so I do not see any record of this having been entered into the system.
Me: ....ok what?
DCSR I do not see any record of this in our system sir.
Me: Ok so...you gotta be more specific man.
DCSR: We show that no dispatch was ever issued so a tech was never sent out.
Me: *takes a second to process this* So...now...you're telling me that I was given a dispatch number, which means a dispatch HAD to be created/issued. But a dispatch for a tech was never issued?
DCSR: That is correct sir. No dispatch was ever created.
Me: Then how it is possible for me to have a dispatch number if one was never created?
DCSR: I have no idea sir.
Me: Of course not. But apparently, if I was given a dispatch number...a number that can't be generated until a dispatch is issued....and you're telling me one was never issued, then I was in essence lied to by *name of tech I spoke with on Wednesday*?
DCSR: Oh no sir our techs do not lie to people.
Me: Might I be allowed to talk to *insert tech* then please?
DCSR: Oh I am sorry sir but she is now offically out on Maternity leave and will not be back in the office for another 6 months.
Me: Oh I see. She knew she wouldn't be there to deal with any problems and decided not to care on her last day. Gotcha. Thanks. So now what's the deal on getting me a tech since I was lied to and nothing has been done? Can I get one today?
DCSR: Oh I am sorry sir but you will now have to wait until Monday to get a tech out there.
Me: So now...let me get THIS straight. Extra money was paid for next day on-site tech support and you're telling me that the request for support I put in on Wednesday can not be honored until Monday? A full 120 hours after the request was made and thereby far exceeding the 24 hours outlined in the agreement entered into by your company and the owner of this machine?
DCSR: I am sorry sir but unfortunately that is the best I can do.
Me: Are you telling me you have no techs that work on Saturday?
DCSR: That is correct no.
Me: No, sir. That is complete BS as I have numerous machines with 24/7 on-site warranty service. Last I checked, 24/7 included both Saturday and Sunday.
DCSR: I do not know where you got this from sir but it certainly was not from Dell.
Me: Then I guess that means there are technically inclined guys in Dell polo-shirts and vehicles parading around the country, hacking your help line that come out and do customer service that you guys know nothing about because you don't send out techs on Saturday?
DCSR: Well I do not know about that sir but I do know that we do not run services on Saturday or Sunday.
Me: I'll make a note to stop imagining Dell techs bouncing around this facility on the weekends from now on or at least call the cops on their fake asses.
DCSR: I am sorry sir but I can not get a tech out to your office until Monday as we do not work on the weekends.
Me: Alright. Whatever. You're obviously programmed to say everything that is coming out of your mouth so I'll just stop trying to actually get customer service out of you. Just have a tech out here on Monday, please?
DCSR: Ok sir I can do that here is new dispatch number 867-5309.
Me: Yeah. Let us pray it is not also a phantom number conjured from the farthest depths of your anal cavity (a bit harsh I know but having been lied to repeatedly, tact was not necessary).
I know I got rough but seriously...my ass is getting gnawed on by an angry client because HIS!!! amazingly awesome business running lappy is having RAM issues and he wants it fixed while wondering why his 24-Hour On-site service is now 120 hour on-site service.
No love to the outsourced Dell CSRs,