Friday I got tired of waiting for the mythical "line tech" to come and work on my problem and called their service department asking for a supervisor. I got "Steven", the dumbest person to take an escalation ever. This guy was useless. He basically told me that they have the following instructions on a 3x5 card.
A) Follow script to reboot all devices in order
B) Check for maintenance in area
C) Blame Router
If these steps do not work, then they send out a service tech. Their version of blowing a whistle I suppose. Sadly, once they send out that service call, they have absolutely no idea what happens afterwards. They can't read notes, they can't call the tech, they can't do shite.
After this lovely call, I asked to be transferred to billing to cancel. Naturally, they can't do that either.
Also, when I tried to call the cancellation department directly that day, the line was down and I should "call back another time". /sigh
So I had time to call back the TWC billing department on Sunday. I got my cancellation taken care of. Let me tell you what, they may not be able to get my line working, but man that cancellation took effect immediately. No sooner had I called than my modem started working and I was able to pull up the "So you want to be a Comcast Customer?" page. (Notably the line was blinking again by the evening and still was this morning, so they can't even get that right)
Verizon FioS has been ordered and should be installed on November 2nd. 5 megabits for $40 a month with no contract. Yee Haw. Now I just have to survive without an internet connection till then.