USPS: Oh hello there! Would you like to ship a package?
Me: Why yes! I shall send one on Tuesday and then another on Thursday! And, because they need to be there by Saturday at the latest, I will pay exorbitant fees to guarantee that Tuesday package arrives Thursday and Thursday Package arrives Saturday! I'll even waive the signature!
USPS: Alright! They are GUARANTEED arrival by 3:00 p.m. on those days!
Me: Yay! Thank you so much USPS!
Today (Saturday) comes
Friend (recipient of said packages): ...Hey megansleevwillow, USPS hasn't delivered the packages yet.
Me: ...wat. (Checks USPS.com)
USPS: FUCK YOU AND YOUR FRIEND'S BIRTHDAY. TUESDAY PACKAGE DIDN'T EVEN ARRIVE UNTIL FRIDAY (AND FUCK YOUR WAIVED SIGNATURE, WE'RE HOLDING IT HOSTAGE AND REFUSING TO RING THE DOOR BELL OR EVEN BE AT THE OFFICE) AND THURSDAY PACKAGE IS MIA. THANKS FOR THE RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF MONEY, JACKASS. Oh, and you'd like to file a claim online or in person? FUCK YOU, YOUR MONEY IS OURS BITCH.
I HOPE THE USPS BANKRUPTS SO HARD AND THEN BURNS TO THE GROUND.