I re-called the woman who never called me back at Asurion and managed to get hold of her. She of course had not worked in any fraud capacity at Asurion for a long time, Sprint's fraud department had no updated info on Asurion's fruad department, but she still had access to work on my account and managed to take care of everything.
Short of it - reporting things to the Asurion fraud department got me a low-level person who would take notes, say they would pas them on and never get anything done. Talking to someone who used to be, but no longer was in that department, resulted in my account getting fixed.
Little over 4 months now, 24 phone calls, 4 hours 22 minutes of calling/holding/retelling the same story to get my bill right.