Um, no. "Why are you going to the States?" "Shopping." "We don't believe you."
Cue confiscation of passport, phone, and IDs. Then my SO texts me and goes, "Hey, mailed the package. Meet me at (place next to border)."
Border guards: "What package?"
Me: "Electronics? At the UPS store there."
Them: "We don't believe you. What exactly?"
Me: "A range expander. We bought it on E-Bay. It does not do the job we want it to do, although it works. We resold it."
Them: "What's a range expander? A weapon? Who's 'we'?"
Me: O.o *tells them* *writes down name*
Me: "Uh, yeah, he crossed not fifteen minutes ago."
Them: "No. He doesn't exist."
Me: *verbally spells it out*
Them: *gets it wrong* "You're still lying."
Me: *writes it down in big caps, birth date, cell phone, etc. etc.* (And this is a common as dirt name.)
Them: *still wrong* "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to sit down, we're going to question you..."
Me: "...Can I type it out for you?" *does so*
Them: "Still doesn't exist. Oh, wait... He has never crossed into the States."
Me: "HE'S AN AMERICAN-CANADIAN. HE LIVES THERE IN THE STATES. YOU SAW US TWO WEEKS AGO. YOU. THE ONE I AM TALKING TO. RIGHT NOW."
Them: "We don't believe you. We don't think you know this person. We think you've mislabelled him on your phone and came in to lie to us."
Phone: *merrily starts on ringtone as caller ID displays picture and name of SO*
Etc. etc. They wondered why I had a credit card not in my name. (It's my stepmother's, it's for gas.) They wondered why I had multiple addresses. (Parents are divorced. See, stepmother. Also, university.) They wondered what I did for a living and how I could afford university, and asked me if I worked at a club downtown (I had a business card on me for my retail job and student ID.) They wondered why I belong to so many banks (see divorced parents). They said they had too many questions with not enough evidence and that they were going to refuse me entry, which took hours as they could not figure out how to work either computer in the back rooms.
It should also be noted that you are not permitted to make a call at any point, so SO was stuck wondering where I was. I could not use the payphone or have my cellphone returned to me, nor would they call him or pick up my phone or let me shut it off. I offered that, when he picked me up, I could frogmarch him over and show he existed, and they asked me if "frogmarching" was a threat.
Then they printed me and marched me back to Canadian guards, who rolled their eyes and stuck their tongues out and commiserated with me. (I kid you not, I could've kissed them, I was so teary when I handed over the "refused entry" sheet.) The US guards were also very patronising to the (female) Canadian border guards, which probably contributed to this.
FUCK YOU, GUYS. WE WERE MAILING A PACKAGE. OF ELECTRONICS. NOT DRUGS. A RANGE EXPANDER IS NOT A WEAPON. AND BTW I AM NOT A PROSTITUTE AND I DO NOT STRIP FOR A LIVING. (I'd make better money if I did.) I SELL OVERPRICED ANTIQUE FURNITURE AND SOMETIMES DO REAL ESTATE. I'M PRE-MED. STOP TELLING ME NOT TO RUIN MY LIFE BECAUSE I AM NOT LYING TO YOU.
It wasn't entirely necessary that we go shopping so I didn't care that I didn't go, just the terrible treatment. Them: "Why don't you care that we're refusing you?" Me: "...For shopping? I can shop nearer to home." Them: "But you wouldn't get your stuff done that you were planning to do... by the way what was that?" Me: "Macy's." Them: "Are you sure you're not meeting some man friends down there?" Me: "...Yeah, I'm sure, just my SO."
They also seemed to think I was married, which confused all of us, since I didn't have anything that indicated remotely that I was married. Then: "Why aren't you married?" ...What. (I was also asked this at the bank, bizarrely enough, but I minded it less.)
I'm so pissed. What terrible service, US. I've got to return within two days to mail the touch-screen out, but I'm hesitant about going. (Additionally - advice? Nexus pass?)
*I did not refer to SO as SO, just boyfriend or roommate. I use SO online.
And yes, probably all my fault for not initially mentioning the separated travel, but I didn't think it was entirely relevant to my shopping. Next time we'll just travel together, in the car. Edited for tense fail.