My boyfriend and I scoured the internet for information, and all signs pointed to the same thing: SEE A DOCTOR. Now, I had seen a gynecologist once before, but I only went because my mom said I should. So I did. My gynecologist said I didn't need a pap smear, since I wasn't sexually active.
So I give Kaiser a call.
Operator: What can I help you with today, ma'am?
Me: I was wondering if I could get an appointment with my gynecologist.
Operator: Of course. What is the nature of your appointment?
Me: Um...OK, it's basically because, uh, when I have, like...sex...it hurts a lot.
Operator: OK. So when you have sex, it hurts.
Operator: I see. So when you have intercourse, it hurts?
Operator: (types something) OK...so while you're having sex, you experience pain?
Me: (pause) Yeah.
Operator: So you have a tendency to experience pain while having intercourse.
Rinse, lather, repeat. For like five minutes. She asked me about ten thousand times, "You're in pain when you have sex?"
Operator: All right. So you want to see your gynecologist because you experience pain you have sexual intercourse.
Me: (getting really frustrated at this point) Yes, ma'am.
Operator: Do you experience pain when you're NOT having sex?
Me: (super confused) No?
Operator: Well, then, maybe you shouldn't have sex.
Me: Look, can I please see my gynecologist, please? Her name is Dr. Awesome, I just REALLY want to talk to her about this!
The operator finally relents and looks up appointments. Sadly, the closest appointment with my gynecologist is in two months. She instead hooks me up with a appointment with another doctor...who is male.
I was REALLY nervous about seeing a male gynecologist, but I was desperate. Two days later, I head to Kaiser for my appointment. My name is called, and I am greeted by a rather...severe looking nurse. She takes me into a examination room and asks me if I've had my pap smear.
OK, bear in mind, I am FREAKING OUT. I am SHAKING. There is a dude who is not my boyfriend about to take a good look at my JUNK. I was two seconds away from BLOWING CHUNKS.
Nurse: Have you had your pap smear yet?
Nurse: (sighs) Have you had your pap smear yet?
Nurse: YOU HAVEN'T HAD YOUR PAP SMEAR YET?
Me: N-no, I haven't, I've only seen my gynecologist once and she said I didn't --
The nurse shoves some robes at me.
Nurse: Undress from the waist down and wrap this around your waist, then sit on the table.
And she left the room.
Not knowing what else to do, I do as she says. I'm shaking SO HARD and I'm close to tears.
The nurse comes back a few minutes later. She suddenly starts pulling out swabs and lube and the BIGGEST FUCKING SPECULUM I HAVE EVER SEEN.
Nurse: You're getting a pap smear done.
Nurse: You're 18 years old and sexually active, you're getting a pap smear done.
Me: But -- but I'm NOT sexually active, that's why I'm here, I can't have sex, my other gynecologist said I didn't need one, I can't even get a tampon in --!
I'm practically hyperventilating at this point. I'm actually shaking a little bit right now, just thinking about how scared I was. The nurse finally seems to notice that I'm about to pass out. She kind of stares at me blankly then turns to towards the door.
Nurse: The doctor will be here in a few minutes. Calm down.
And with that, she slammed the door.
The doctor did, in fact, show up a few minutes later. This tiny little old bald man walked into the room, and he greeted me with the softest voice.
Doctor: Hello, aracthedragon, my name is Dr. Totally Fucking Amazing, I'll be -- are you shaking?
I couldn't say anything, so I just nodded.
Doctor: Oh, dear, oh dear! You look positively frightened!
Me: I'm just -- I don't want a pap smear!
Doctor: A pap smear? No, no, I'm not giving you a pap smear! That's between you and YOUR gynecologist. I'm just here to talk to you about your pain problem.
We sat and talked for a while. He was the most...calming man in the world. Within a few minutes I was laughing with him.
Doctor: Now, from the sound of it, we're probably going to have to do a pelvic examination.
Me: Oh...but -- but --
Doctor: Now, don't worry, I'm going to use the smallest speculum we have. It's also made of plastic, so it shouldn't be very cold.
He starts digging through some drawers, but can't seem to find it. He tells me that he'll go look in other exam rooms. He pulls the curtain around me, but leaves the door slightly ajar, and I heard this exchange occur between him and the nurse from earlier.
Doctor: Nurse, I'm looking for that very small speculum for the the patient in room 3.
Nurse: I have one there for you already.
Doctor: It's entirely too large for her, Nurse. Did you even read the form she filled out? She said she experiences pain during intercourse -- and you think that size is a good choice for her?
Nurse: But she needs to have a pap smear done!
Doctor: You know that's for me to decide, Nurse, not you. Could you please go find me that speculum?
Nurse: (long pause, then kind of grumbles) Yes, Doctor...
The rest of the exam went off without a hitch, and he figured out a solution to my problem. What a relief! How all my other experiences went up to the appointment, I was half expecting the doctor to light up a cigarette and pull out a magazine when he started to examine me. Now, two years later, I'm happily pain free when it comes to sex! Hooray for Dr. Totally Fucking Amazing!