I asked for a tech to be sent on Friday.
Instead, they sent a tech the next day and just by sheer luck happened to show up at a time when my significant other was actually both home and awake (I was at work; she works nights and also goes to school full time, so her schedule is pretty wonky).
Tech repaired the line damage and also did some tweaking to the modem, and Voila! we have had Interwebs ever since.
Apparently the burglars didn't do the job properly.
A few weeks later, I got the bill for that month - I was supposed to have received a credit of like $60 and one of the Customer Support people I had talked to in the middle of all this brouhaha had told me to only pay $30 for the month. I paid $40 just to make sure, and then I get this bill that says that I still owe them $60 OMGPAYNOW.
I call All-hell again in order to get the charges removed and speak to David, a real live American human being living within 50 miles of my current location who was actually the single most helpful person I talked to during this whole ordeal. Not only did he credit my account, but he also told me that there is apparently a DSL package that not only is $15 a month cheaper, but is also 6 times faster of a line speed. He also admitted when I asked him that the package has been in existence for more than a year, and naturally All-hell never bothered to tell me about it. He then said "while we're at it, I can save you $10 a month on your local phone service, too." So he switched my plan there - instead of $45 a month with limited extra features and no long distance I now pay $31 a month plus taxes for local phone service with all the extra features and 100 minutes of long distance.
So all's well that ends well, I guess. But All-tel/Windstream can still suck a dick.